How to Lead-crifice:

to Lead: to guide on a way especially by going in advance; to direct on a course or in a direction.

to Sacrifice: destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else; something given up or lost.

To lead in business is to be the top dog, the head-honcho, the big boss.  You tell people to do something and it gets done.  You run the show.

To lead in relationship is to be the example.  If you want to see a quality grow in someone else, you must exemplify that quality, giving them a model to grow off of.  Sacrifice is key in order to achieve this growth.  You must not only exemplify the quality, but also, sacrifice your pride by being transparent in your relationship about where you would hope for growth. 

For example, if you would like your significant other to be a better rollerblader you can’t simply start rollerblading more and hope they notice.  You must first humble yourself and let them know that you would like them to be a better rollerblader and then, through example, show them how to rollerblade better through different styles and techniques.

Sacrificing in a relationship goes farther than your pride.  If you want them to grow in certain areas, you must also be willing to grow in areas they wish to see growth in.  You must take the first step.  As a leader, you must be the first to sacrifice in order for others to sacrifice along side you.  If it is a time issue, you are the first to make time.  If it is a boundary issue, you are the first set and maintain the boundary. If it is a character issue, you are the first to admit flaw.  As a leader in any relationship, whatever the issue may be, sacrifice is the most important trait.

Part of fighting for and leading a relationship is sacrificing for the best of the relationship, the other person, and though sometimes hard to see, yourself.

Conflict? no. YES! …Maybe.

[no.] Passive: accepting or submitting without objection or resistance; submissive: a passive acceptance of one’s fate.

[YES!] Aggressive: a disposition to dominate often in disregard of others’ rights or in determined and energetic pursuit of one’s ends: aggressive in his business dealings.

[...Maybe.] Passive-Aggressive: disguised resistance to the demands or expectations of others, that is expressed in hindering progress, as by procrastination, stubbornness, or inefficiency.

In a world where power is key, attainment comes through different avenues.  Some people take the cut-throat, burning-bridges approach and believe “It’s my way or the highway.”  Some get walked all over in order to avoid conflict and anything of value they could contribute is lost due to their lack of confidence.  Still others combine the two.  It is a more confusing of paths, one where ambition is turned into to sabotage.  Where if you can’t have a piece of cake, you will make sure that  no one gets any cake.

Everyone falls under one of these categories.  Are you an extreme case?  Most likely not, but it is important to see how to recognize and handle someone else’s (and your own) way of dealing with conflict. When in a relationship we have said communication is the foundation.  And even in the best communication comes conflict.

When conflict arises with a PASSIVE person, here is what to expect:

• Behavior – will immediately shut down.  They are quick to abandon their idea and sometimes go as far as negatively critiquing their idea and themselves.  They have all-the-sudden “seen the error of their ways” and look to jump on the bandwagon of the leading party, hiding their wounds and suppressing their anger.
• How to React – set up structure.  Pros and cons lists get everything out on the table and help give a voice to those who would rather just secede.  Encouragement and support for their side will let them know they are included and welcome in the conversation.  This does not mean baby them, but instead, intentionally slow down the interaction as to avoid miscommunication and to articulate each side effectively.

When conflict arises with a AGGRESSIVE person, here is what to expect:

• Behavior – attack mode.  They blow up and exaggerate their statements. Manipulation is a weapon for them.  Twisting words, bringing up the past, and quick judgements are clear signs they feel threatened and are out for blood.  They will hit you where it hurts, usually acting in the heat of the moment and failing to see their surroundings.
• How to React – be patient.  The anger and aggression will subside. Wait for pauses in conversation to speak and bring the conversation back to earth.  Call out the exaggerations, while highlighting the valid, relevant truths underneath their showy presentation.  Appreciate their “passion” for the subject, but explain how teamwork is necessary for any mutual success.  Stay calm, sift through the fluff for truth, and choose wise words in order to alleviate unnecessary tension.

When conflict arises with a PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE person, here is what to expect:

• Behavior – defense mode.  Subtle defenses.  Rolling of eyes, mocking, and sarcasm are characteristic passive-aggressive behavior.  They shy away from confronting the issue head on and speaking what is on their mind.  Often they will isolate someone else (preferably weaker than them) and pressure them to see things their way, gaining confidence through the backing of others.  They will “drag their feet” or not perform well or will break away from the interaction with the weak person they have struck fear in to show their disapproval.  This is all done to say “If I can’t win, no one wins.”
• How to React – call out the obvious.  If you can discern what the person is pouting about, call out the elephant in the room and take away any ground they had to stand on.  Most likely, the person will fear confrontation, but is willing to be told what to do due to insecurities with authority.  Give them an equal role in the process and blame everything on “miscommunication.” Once they feel accepted and return to the interaction, often he or she will admit their immaturity and harmony will be regained.

Are these a sure-fire way to avoid conflict?  No.  Instead, let them be signs to look for in the heat of the moment.  Remember some of the ways to react and appease the offended party.  Most importantly, if you can keep collected during conflict you will remain focused on the issue and able to be proactive in finding a compromise everyone can feel involved in and appreciated through.