THE Relationship

Many people believe in a higher power. Whether for religious reasons, sports luck, or rehabilitation from addictions, higher powers provide a sense of security in times of weakness. In the article http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/article/alcohol-rehabilitation , Self-Help encourages relationship and trust with a higher power to improve rehabilitation and get back on track.

I have a relationship with a higher power, his name is Lord.  He is the God of my life.  He gives me a contagious joy, an open heart, and an unconditional love for those around me.  Without God, I wouldn’t live the life I live. My selfish ambition would take over and my life would lack meaning.

The best part is – I did nothing to deserve this love.

God’s love is free and the relationship comes through accepting His son he sent to Earth, Jesus.  My relationship with God through Jesus is the best part of my life, it’s my number one priority – and it’s fun!  God is my best friend.

A relationship with a higher power provides you with a certainty not much else can give. You gain a sense of protection, direction, and love.  You don’t have to believe in God. You can believe in Greek gods, idols, Buddha, the stars, or even an invisible being. A relationship with a higher power is completely your choice, but until you try it, you’ll never know if the benefits outweigh the cost.

Do you have a relationship with a higher power?

To be, or not to be, INTENTIONal

I have a hard time not wanting to know about your life.  If I am introduced to you (or if I just introduce myself to you), you can count on me to follow up the introduction with a seemingly never-ending sequence of questions. I love people.

For some, loving people comes naturally.  They love to talk, to get to know you, and to “hang out.”  For others, this is not so much of a pass time as it is a chore.  Alone time is crucial for them and talking is out of absolute necessity. Because of this difference in personality, the choice to be intentional with your words and actions is important. You must consider the personality of whom you are speaking with before you ask them a question or try and strike up conversation.

“How are you?” can illicit all sorts of responses.

These very anywhere from a simple “good” to him or her recapping their day, play-by-play.  To someone who is wordy, be specific with your questions and ask a more direct question pertaining to the issue you are trying to discuss. This will help them realize exactly what you want to know and hopefully give you a desired response. To someone who is prone to one word answers, ask questions that relate to personal reflection on the subject and questions that force them to give you insight into who they are. The more information a reserved person must share, the stronger the bond and the easier to continue conversation.

Choose to be intentional with your questions and where to devote your time. Build relationships and get to know those around you. People will surprise you.

The art of Criticism or the burn of Cynicism

Criticism: the act or art of analyzing and evaluating or judging the quality of anything.

Cynicism: cynical disposition, character, or belief; bitterly or sneeringly distrustful, contemptuous, or pessimistic.

In relationship, a certain level of accountability must be maintained.  Accountability as a way of guiding one another toward desired goals.  The idea is to keep one another in check and can be achieved through calling out flaws and bringing possible issues to light.

The key lies in how to approach the accountability.

Critical Accountability is the “iron that sharpens iron” (Proverbs 27:17).  Any criticism is hard to hear, but simply being critical and giving constructive advice out of love will be the push some need to get to where they want to go.  Don’t be afraid of critical accountability or to give this act of love.  If there’s no mirror around and no one tells you about the big zit on your face, you live your life looking like a fool.  Just like critical accountability, you want the honesty of someone to tell you when you need to get rid of something in your life.  When you first pop it, it may hurt,  but in the end, you’ll be glad you are free of the imperfection.

Cynical Accountability is the deep wounds each of us carry.  Inconsiderate critiquing of flaws without love or understanding of the person being sized up leaves them worse off than they were before you opened your mouth.  It thrives on low self-esteem.  Most often, cynical accountability is given to make the sender feel better about their own insecurities they live with.  Loose words and sharp tongues are characteristic of this form of accountability and it is often given in the presence of many others in order to demoralize the receiver.

Shoot for critical accountability spoken out of love.  You could be the encouragement and challenge to change someone’s life.

How to Lead-crifice:

to Lead: to guide on a way especially by going in advance; to direct on a course or in a direction.

to Sacrifice: destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else; something given up or lost.

To lead in business is to be the top dog, the head-honcho, the big boss.  You tell people to do something and it gets done.  You run the show.

To lead in relationship is to be the example.  If you want to see a quality grow in someone else, you must exemplify that quality, giving them a model to grow off of.  Sacrifice is key in order to achieve this growth.  You must not only exemplify the quality, but also, sacrifice your pride by being transparent in your relationship about where you would hope for growth. 

For example, if you would like your significant other to be a better rollerblader you can’t simply start rollerblading more and hope they notice.  You must first humble yourself and let them know that you would like them to be a better rollerblader and then, through example, show them how to rollerblade better through different styles and techniques.

Sacrificing in a relationship goes farther than your pride.  If you want them to grow in certain areas, you must also be willing to grow in areas they wish to see growth in.  You must take the first step.  As a leader, you must be the first to sacrifice in order for others to sacrifice along side you.  If it is a time issue, you are the first to make time.  If it is a boundary issue, you are the first set and maintain the boundary. If it is a character issue, you are the first to admit flaw.  As a leader in any relationship, whatever the issue may be, sacrifice is the most important trait.

Part of fighting for and leading a relationship is sacrificing for the best of the relationship, the other person, and though sometimes hard to see, yourself.

Conflict? no. YES! …Maybe.

[no.] Passive: accepting or submitting without objection or resistance; submissive: a passive acceptance of one’s fate.

[YES!] Aggressive: a disposition to dominate often in disregard of others’ rights or in determined and energetic pursuit of one’s ends: aggressive in his business dealings.

[...Maybe.] Passive-Aggressive: disguised resistance to the demands or expectations of others, that is expressed in hindering progress, as by procrastination, stubbornness, or inefficiency.

In a world where power is key, attainment comes through different avenues.  Some people take the cut-throat, burning-bridges approach and believe “It’s my way or the highway.”  Some get walked all over in order to avoid conflict and anything of value they could contribute is lost due to their lack of confidence.  Still others combine the two.  It is a more confusing of paths, one where ambition is turned into to sabotage.  Where if you can’t have a piece of cake, you will make sure that  no one gets any cake.

Everyone falls under one of these categories.  Are you an extreme case?  Most likely not, but it is important to see how to recognize and handle someone else’s (and your own) way of dealing with conflict. When in a relationship we have said communication is the foundation.  And even in the best communication comes conflict.

When conflict arises with a PASSIVE person, here is what to expect:

• Behavior – will immediately shut down.  They are quick to abandon their idea and sometimes go as far as negatively critiquing their idea and themselves.  They have all-the-sudden “seen the error of their ways” and look to jump on the bandwagon of the leading party, hiding their wounds and suppressing their anger.
• How to React – set up structure.  Pros and cons lists get everything out on the table and help give a voice to those who would rather just secede.  Encouragement and support for their side will let them know they are included and welcome in the conversation.  This does not mean baby them, but instead, intentionally slow down the interaction as to avoid miscommunication and to articulate each side effectively.

When conflict arises with a AGGRESSIVE person, here is what to expect:

• Behavior – attack mode.  They blow up and exaggerate their statements. Manipulation is a weapon for them.  Twisting words, bringing up the past, and quick judgements are clear signs they feel threatened and are out for blood.  They will hit you where it hurts, usually acting in the heat of the moment and failing to see their surroundings.
• How to React – be patient.  The anger and aggression will subside. Wait for pauses in conversation to speak and bring the conversation back to earth.  Call out the exaggerations, while highlighting the valid, relevant truths underneath their showy presentation.  Appreciate their “passion” for the subject, but explain how teamwork is necessary for any mutual success.  Stay calm, sift through the fluff for truth, and choose wise words in order to alleviate unnecessary tension.

When conflict arises with a PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE person, here is what to expect:

• Behavior – defense mode.  Subtle defenses.  Rolling of eyes, mocking, and sarcasm are characteristic passive-aggressive behavior.  They shy away from confronting the issue head on and speaking what is on their mind.  Often they will isolate someone else (preferably weaker than them) and pressure them to see things their way, gaining confidence through the backing of others.  They will “drag their feet” or not perform well or will break away from the interaction with the weak person they have struck fear in to show their disapproval.  This is all done to say “If I can’t win, no one wins.”
• How to React – call out the obvious.  If you can discern what the person is pouting about, call out the elephant in the room and take away any ground they had to stand on.  Most likely, the person will fear confrontation, but is willing to be told what to do due to insecurities with authority.  Give them an equal role in the process and blame everything on “miscommunication.” Once they feel accepted and return to the interaction, often he or she will admit their immaturity and harmony will be regained.

Are these a sure-fire way to avoid conflict?  No.  Instead, let them be signs to look for in the heat of the moment.  Remember some of the ways to react and appease the offended party.  Most importantly, if you can keep collected during conflict you will remain focused on the issue and able to be proactive in finding a compromise everyone can feel involved in and appreciated through.

Master Debater, Mister Right

Gossip: a person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others.

Debate: a contention by words or arguments. 

Conversation: oral exchange of sentiments, observations, opinions, or ideas.

How do you describe a conversationalist?  Maybe someone who is good at talking. 

When describing qualities that are attractive in the opposite sex, someone “easy to talk to” or a “conversationalist” is usually toward the top of the list.  Different people may desire different qualities, but if good communication is not a priority, usually bigger issues need to be dealt with.  Knowing this is a desirable quality, many young hopefuls strive to be one to contribute to conversation.  The problem is many ladies confuse this for gossip and many guys confuse it for debate.  They think,

“Hey, as long as someone is talking, the conversation must be good.”

Good relationships have a strong foundation built on quality conversation.  Simply talking about the weather or the days events, leads to nothing more than what I can find on my Yahoo! homepage.  On the other hand, inappropriate facts about the personal lives of others or the endless debate where every option is explored, contended, refuted, and contended again are fruitless and hold no value.  Look to be someone who has a healthy balance of self-revelation,the telling of personal struggles or achievements, and comments/advice/encouragement related to what is revealed to you by the other party.  Vulnerability is key.  The more open you are, the more comfortable they will be toward sharing about themselves.  This doesn’t mean verbal vomit and to overload your listener with all your thoughts at once, but instead a few insights into your life in each conversation will strengthen trust and increase vulnerability in your relationship.

So guys, don’t try to be over intellectual with your “vast” knowledge and debating skills and ladies,  leave out who’s shacking with whom or what she said about your hair.  Look to become a conversationalist, not a master debater and gossip and your relationship will be in good shape.